Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Three Biggest Reasons Why OU Sucks

I know you really don't need incontrovertible proof of how badly OU sucks. But just in case you're new to the rivalry, Sports Karma is happy to provide the three best examples as to why no matter what time it is, OU will always and forever suck.

1. They freely admit in their nickname that they like to cheat.

In 1889, the government decided that, well, someone had to settle in Oklahoma. So at 12 PM on April 22 of that year, a Land Run was authorized by President Benjamin Harrison. A healthy number of people entered early and claimed their land before the noontime start of the Land Run. Since they were there sooner than they should have been, the cheaters were known as "Sooners."

Just to review, they actually cheated for the right to live in Oklahoma.

Sadly, the Sooners never quite grew out of this tradition of cheating. OU was placed on probation in 1988 after coach Barry Switzer lost control of the program. In a six-month span, Switzer's quarterback was caught on camera dealing cocaine. Other players were involved a shooting and a rape in the athletic dorm and Switzer's own house got robbed by one of his own players.

The Sooners were busted again this time in 2006 when OU quarterback Rhett Bomar never showed up for work at a car dealership, but was paid nonetheless. OU had to vacate wins for the 2005 season, and had to promise that they would never, ever cross the line scrimmage early again.

So much for that promise...

2. The Boz

Simply put, Brian Bosworth is a walking embarrassment.

Other than the guys in Britny Fox (and yes, they were actually guys), can you name anybody else from the 80s with worse hair?

Brian Bosworth had a mohawk mullet, for God sakes. He made Billy Ray Cyrus look cultured by way of comparison. There's a reason The Boz doesn't have hair anymore.

God took it away as punishment for inflicting the world with that mohawk mullet that he had.

The Boz took his ridiculous hair to Seattle for the 1987 season, and was promptly run over by Bo Jackson on Monday Night Football.

Bosworth retired two years later after that hit claiming a shoulder injury ended his career. Either that or he just didn't want to get humiliated by Bo anymore.

So The Boz's hair was a disgrace. His performance on the field was hideous. However, that was nothing compared to his thespian debut in the completely wretched 1991 film Stone Cold.

The Boz played an Alabama cop named Joe Huff who infiltrated a Mississippi biker gang. I'll tell you more about the movie, but frankly, you had to be huffin' in order to enjoy Stone Cold. And if you watched Stone Cold while huffin', you ain't nothin'.

Or an OU freshman. Which is sort of about the same, really.

3. January 1, 2007

To review, OU. You had Adrian Peterson, one of the best running backs in the NFL. You could have handed the ball to him 40 times and probably beaten a WAC school but 20. But no...

Instead you committed four turnovers, scrambled all the way back to take the lead against an 18-point underdog, only to bite on three trick plays to lose the 2007 Fiesta Bowl.

OU, I know you're ashamed of that night again, but still there are a lot of us who can't get enough of seeing this, so what the hell? Here it is again!

So OU, just so we're clear:

1. You enjoy cheating
2. One of your most famous football players had a hairstyle only a meth addict could love.
3. You lost one of college football's most famous games in the most embarrassing way possible.

Yes, suck. Just remember that this weekend when we meet in Dallas, and if you don't behave yourself, we won't bring any Rogaine for Bosworth.

Hook 'em.

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