Thanks Gus, anywho...I got to thinking after a conversation with a certain loved one of mine who knows nothing or cares nothing about March Madness, if the Sweet Sixteen came down to the mascots, what are the possibilities?
Are there some Nostradamian prophesies that we are missing here? Let us explore the possibilities, from the top to the bottom. One thing that we have to take into consideration is all the misnomers out there for mascots, the Tar Heels have a "Ram", so I guess, I will have to defer to their name, after all if they wanted to be called the North Carolina Rams, then they should go for it, no mercy for fake mascots people, own up to your own ridiculous crappy mascot names, I'm looking at you, ou, Kent State,Cornell, and Western Kentucky. ANNNYYYYWHOOOO, here we go...
EAST -
North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Washington State Cougars.
This one is kind of tough for various reasons...If we go the high road, then those cougars would devour the Tar Heels and then spit out the taste of petroleum from their mouths, their mouths would run red with the blood of North Carolina!!! They would also chew down on the cartilage between those bones, mmmm! IF we go the low road, then North Carolina would stomp on Washington State's silly, WSC mascot thing. I couldn't find a single picture of a good cougar on their website, what a shame.
Washington State - 78 UNC 77 (UPSET SPECIAL!)
Louisville Cardinals vs. Tennessee Volunteers.
Assuming those Volunteers are armed to the teeth, which lets face it, if you're a Volunteer and don't have at least a rifle, you're f u c k e d... then the Vols would trump the Cards no prob... however, what is the deal with that mutt? Come on Tennessee are you playing the Aggie game on me? Don't tell me this dog is the General of your Army or some crazy shit like that... I will say that those Cardinals do have teeth inside those beaks, not very common in the bird world...I assume they won't go down without a fight, so it will be close... UTENN - 81 Louisville - 79
MIDWEST -
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Villanova Wildcats.
Wow, what an upset special this year will be, Wildcats devour the Gayhawks, I mean Jayhawks with no problems!! I guess I have issue with the Jayhawks prancing little birdie, it looks like it's in the middle of a dancing line. On the other hand, what a great logo Villanova! Thumbs up! A raging Wildcat defending the school logo. How original, maybe you guys should have gone with the Bulldogs, god knows there aren't any schools with that mascot. However........by default, Villanova 88 - Kansas 80
Wisconsin Badgers vs. Davidson Wildcats.
Very, very interesting. I already had picked Wisconsin in my bracket, so I might have to go and disappoint even myself on this one... Wildcats are a bit higher on the food chain than the Badgers, so it's a no brainer. Unless the Badgers can make some crazy dam to destroy the Wildcats and drown them... but unlikely... besides, look at that crazy look the Davidson Wildcat has. This guy looks like he did three tours of 'Nam and has worked in a Post Office for the last 30 plus years. About to snap...
Wisconsin 72 - Davidson 77
SOUTH-
Michigan State Spartans vs. Memphis Tigers
Not looking to good for all the Number One seeds so far! Spartans would have the edge over the Tigers, if they were quality Spartans, I assume some must have been killed by the mighty Tiger who feasted upon their meaty flesh... I will go against my own gut on this one and say that the Tiger would have the edge against the mediocre Spartan. But not if it was Maximus, besides I just saw 10,000 BC and that Sabretooth Tiger would have killed all those fools... anyway, see the movie...Oh God, please don't let me turn into Bill Simmons...Oh yeah, and Memphis with the whole tiger leaping out of its school's letter. nice... very original...
Memphis 70 - MSU 65
Stanford Trees vs. Texas Longhorns
In all fairness, I refuse to acknowledge that the "Stanford Cardinal" is a mascot, and thank you Stanford website for clearing this up for me.
"The Nickname: The nickname for Stanford is the Cardinal – in reference to one of the school colors (and is therefore in the singular). Stanford’s history with its nickname began on March 19, 1891 when Stanford beat Cal in the first Big Game. While Stanford did not have an official nickname, the day after the Big Game local newspapers picked up the "cardinal" theme and used it in the headlines.
In any case, the Longhorns would clearly stampede over a color or a tree whatever the case may be. Texas - 1,000,000 - Stanford 2 (Clearly I'm not biased on this)
WEST -
UCLA Bruins vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
Both things not easily understood, however the Bruins (Very Large Brown Bears) have clearly the edge on this monstrousity of a mascot.
UCLA - 90 - WKU 72
Xavier Musketeers vs. West Virginia Mountaineers
Wow, probably the most interesting straight up mascot matchup ever, besides an all devil-demon final four, (refer to Tray on that one...) I'm going to jump on the Mountaineer bandwagon, simply because they will have the height advantage, meaning the Musketeers, simply with Swords will have to fight the Mountaineers, who I assume are on mountains. So in war, always have the higher position right?
Xavier - 74 - WVU 82
So there you have it, the next matchups,
whatever happens, rest assured next year we will have them all mapped out for you, next week, I will break down Elite Eight Action, then Final Four and of course the NCAA Championship. Peas out, DV for now.
Washington State vs. Tennessee
Villanova vs. Davidson
Memphis vs. Texas
UCLA vs. West Virgina
