Things I'm Thinking About While Recovering From Ramiro's Bachelor Party

I'm sure we'll get some photos up eventually from the epic weekend spent in Houston, drinking scotch, making Swingers references, shooting guns, watching the Astros win (surprisingly), and eating red meat like the FDA said they were going to take it away forever. In the meanwhile, I've got some thoughts rolling through my head that wouldn't make a complete column, but I felt were worthy of mention:

--Does Barack Obama know that European countries aren't one of the 50 States? It's great they love him and he loves them, but they don't get a vote in the November election, right? In what figures to be a pretty tight election, don't you think that you'd be better served campaigning in crucial swing states NOW, emphasizing and reemphasizing your key points, rather than going on a glorified European vacation?

Furthermore, doesn't this seem kinda arrogant? The guy hasn't won anything yet, and he's parading around Europe meeting all the heads of state? For what? Yeah, I suppose you could say he wants to meet all the leaders face-to-face so he knows them and can develop an already established relationship with them presuming he wins...except he hasn't done that yet. Doesn't this seem all a tad presumptious?

The press is following him around like a puppy dog all over the continent, not even paying attention to the fact that the American people are judging this very carefully. When Barack Obama loses this election, and he will lose, the Liberal Media will act like 2004 all over again, blaming the stupid Christians for not knowing how to vote, or the South for being a bunch of uneducated racist hicks or whatever excuse they're planning on pulling from their Magic 8 ball. But if they dare to look a little closer, they'll see the real reason Obama will lose. McCain stayed home and campaigned. Obama left the country and pontificated.

--I haven't seen Danica Patrick's latest spat, and nor do I care to. I don't care about IRL racing, and it should probably stand to reason that I don't care about anything that happens within the confines of a sport I don't watch to begin with. Danica being mildly attractive has nothing to do w/ whether or not I'm going to watch a sport where you can't see the participants anyway.

I know I'm not alone in this sentiment. I know I'd rather hear about NFL training camps, MLB division races, the start of the college football season or the Americans' chances at Olympic basketball gold when I watch Sportscenter or listen to talk radio. So, if this is the case, why then is the media expending so much energy on such a non-topic? Would it kill sports talk radio hosts to stop panting every damned time they talk about Danica's latest brawl with this other female driver? Listen: It's a slap fight between two mildly attractive women in a fringe sport. Please stop reporting this news like you just had a three-way with Jessica Alba and Megan Fox. It's just not that cool. Sorry.

Oh, and by the way, there's a reason I called Danica Patrick "mildly attractive." She's not that hot, for Christ's sakes. Jennie Finch is hot. Anna Kournikova is hot. Ditto for Maria Sharapova and Natalie Gulbis. Attention all sportswriters & sports commentators of America: Please act like you've seen an attractive woman before. Because if you did, you'd know Danica Patrick's not it. Again, sorry.

--While we're on the subject of Danica Patrick, given the fact that she really likes to fight, I'd go out on a limb and say she's missed her true calling in life: She should be the WWE Hardcore Champion until proven otherwise. It's been a really long time since I've watched any sort of wrestling, but to the best of recollection (and my sister and brother-in-law could clarify this better than I could), but the Hardcore Champion must defend his title at all times. If someone wants to have a fight with you on a street corner, you have to allow them that chance. If you lose, the other guy gets your belt.

I cannot, under any circumstances, imagine Danica Patrick losing her title. Not now, not ever. At the rate she's fighting everyone and anyone, I think she'd take on all comers with a Special Move called the Towel Slap. The Towel Slap could be similar to the Kerry Von Erich's Tornado Punch--a devastating punch to the square of the jaw that would render the opponent unconscious. I really think this could work. Yes, I'm kidding...but only sort of.

I'm sure I'll have a coherent, full-length column up at some point. Until then, Free Dr Pepper.